What should one do if there is negativity and discord in the family?

At Shri Hit Radha Keli Kunj, Vrindavan, intimate conversation with Pujya Shri Hit Premanand Govind Sharan Ji Maharaj. Sadhaks place questions about their life and sadhana, and Maharaj Ji provides their solutions.

The Full Discourse

SV Chaturvedi Ji from Delhi, Radhe Radhe, Radhe Radhe, Maharaj Ji, Maharaj Ji—if there is negativity in the family, if discord is happening in the home, if household conflict-like conditions are arising, then how should one proceed on the path of spirituality? Well, this is happening in every household, meaning you are not speaking about one particular household—you are speaking about a universal matter. Because as long as there is no study of the scriptures, as long as conduct is not righteous, as long as there is no naam jap, as long as there is no reverence for others, then there is discord in every household. Young people are disrespecting elderly parents, when elderly parents should be honored.

The emotional sentiments of some children are being trampled. Even fathers among parents are those who exploit instead of nurturing. So if one looks around at many places and examines with understanding, one can see that discord is happening in every household due to conduct contrary to dharma. There will be some rare household where there is affection. Affection between husband and wife, affection between father and son, affection between brothers—instead, the predominance of discord is turning all of this into restlessness. Why does discord happen? Because each person wants to enjoy happiness according to their own beliefs.

Where our pleasure is obstructed, there discord will arise. So I think that where there is discord, we should learn to calm ourselves. If we try to calm the other person, anger will increase and discord will increase further. If we can learn to calm ourselves, perhaps we can avoid discord. We cannot remove discord because the intellect is becoming impure. Look, I have prayed many times that those young brothers and sisters of ours who are falling into impure conduct will not be able to become good householders. They will not be able to because whatever tendency we have, that tendency becomes reinforced in us.

Like if we start today doing naam jap 10 times, tomorrow we will do it 12 times, 15 times, 18 times, and if we do this for two or four months, then now without jap we will not feel good, isn't it? Similarly, if today we make a boyfriend, then another boyfriend, then another, or make a girlfriend, have breakups, do this repeatedly, our tendency becomes reinforced, isn't it? Unknowingly, that tendency, when we enter household life, is an already-reinforced tendency. Now we will not have peace. Will that household life be full of discord or full of peace? Think about it and see. It will be full of discord, right? Yes, now our demands have increased, our desires have increased, our affection has not stayed in one place, so there will be discord, there will definitely be restlessness.

Now there are new children, now they need money, but the father doesn't have that capacity, so they will take to wrong paths. Because they want intoxication, they want adultery, they want to show that we are not less than you, we are also someone. All these external beliefs—there is discord in every household. In every household, only that one person is left standing who walks somewhat in dharma, who does naam jap, and who listens to the satsang of saints, who does study of scriptures—only that person can be saved. No, we, every household—meaning here too, every household has discord, here too there is discord, the mind is being dragged toward pleasures here and there. Look how much restlessness has been created.

Just see—suppose you are wise and intelligent, then look within and examine: is there peace? Is there no discord in this household? Has discord become zero? If discord has become zero, then one should be absorbed in bliss. What zero discord means:

न सोचति न काक्षति समावेश भूतेशु मद भक्तिम लते पराम
Neither thinking nor desiring, merged in all beings, my devotion reaches the Supreme.

Now there is no thought, no desire remains, one is satisfied, absorbed in bliss. Such a state is neither in this household nor outside. Until one does not walk in dharma, until one does not take refuge in God, until one does not do naam jap, and until the body is also pure, conducting oneself with purity—the body has a great influence. Look, if our body remains impure, then our senses and mind will remain impure. If the senses and mind remain impure, then our thoughts will remain impure, become impure. Now when thoughts are impure, mind is impure, senses are impure, body is impure, who will get peace? Who will get happiness?

Then what is there? A temperament of irritability, a bitter temperament. Some such sights we see in the world where it seems that this is a demon in human form—such a judgment arises. Because demonic intellect has increased. Look, like an elderly mother, a young child is beating her. This is not human. But one whose feet one should wash and whose water one should drink. That mother carried us in her womb. That mother threw away our filth. She made us so wise. Now we should serve her. Instead we strike her. This demonic intellect has increased.

The father earned throughout his life, educated two or four children, raised them. He gave all his wealth in love, and the children became hostile to the father. These are many such mental attitudes that burn our hearts, and outside. That is why we tell and pray to everyone: if you start doing naam jap, if you have your little children, at least one mala, at least five minutes, listen to the Radha Radha naam, and teach them good conduct, then as they grow they will become good householders. If children are not given education, those same children get trapped in unbridled behavior.

Well, when parents did not do bhajan in their lives, now they don't have the knowledge of scriptures by which they could cope with this. Now they suffer, poor souls, they become restless.

There is great disorder in life. So to run life in an organized manner, naam jap and study of true scriptures or satsang is necessary. Whoever satsang has come into their life—many such young brothers come and say, "We have given up all our addictions. We were at fault before this. Now we keep our mother and father with us. Now by serving them our hearts find peace. Yes, yes, our life has become meaningful because four people are changing. Four are correcting their nature."

If we listen to satsang, do naam jap, and understand that God's worship is not only in temples—God dwells in these hearts too, their worship is necessary as well. Govind dwells in the heart-temple of everyone, whether it is mother, sister, wife, son—the family is where He dwells. If the Lord departs, we will not love those bodies. If with this understanding, then it seems to us that conflict will not remain anywhere.

But it is very difficult now because filthy behaviors have increased. Much filthy addiction has increased. The mind becomes frightened—what will happen next if this is the condition now? Small children, despite countless prayers, they have started using drugs. When they use drugs, their intellect cannot make right decisions.

As we prayed about the new year—this new year celebrated in English days, whereas ours is in Chaitra—but now in these English days the young children are being rowdy, drinking alcohol and roaming the roads. This rowdiness is some celebration? We said, brother, celebration means ten or twenty people sit together and do naam kirtan and prepare beautiful dishes, offer prasad and feed even four people. Do celebration for any reason, we are saying, do naam jap—the Thakur is present for service, offer prasad and feed everyone—then your intellect will be pure, your life will be pure. What is this demonic behavior? Drinking alcohol, roaming the roads creating chaos and disorder here and there? So today our society is going in the wrong direction.

Wrong direction—we are Indians imitating outside peoples, we are not ourselves. Outside peoples imitate us. In every country, the sages and saints of our land have been honored. The worship here has been honored. It seems to us there is nothing beyond heaven and hell. If there is liberation, if there is the supreme state, if there is the state of absolute freedom, these are discoveries made by India's greatest sages. Otherwise there is nothing beyond hell and heaven. Everywhere you look it is about hell or heaven. We have not read much of other scriptures, but from conversations it seems so. Dissolution in Sat-Chit-Ananda, the supreme reality, or the realization of divine love—this must be the teaching of our sages. If an Indian sage went out and spoke of liberation or yoga, otherwise if it remained about heaven and hell, still we are Indian. Others should imitate us. This is right, but that we corrupt ourselves by imitating others is not right.

In those homes where this happens—eating meat, drinking alcohol—there will be nothing but obstacles, understand this for certain. And in those homes where even for ten minutes there is naam kirtan of the Lord, where the Thakur is present for worship and aarti is performed, understand for certain: yes, we can say that for some time they may not have much wealth, they may face difficulties and suffering, but their lineage will be pure. Their heart will be at peace. One day they will burn like a lamp and go very far. We agree that all troublemakers will burn like hydrogen but will also fizzle out very quickly. Because unrighteousness does not last long. Sinful conduct does not remain permanent. So it seems to us that if we take refuge in God and conduct ourselves properly, if we do naam jap, then the conflict in the heart will be stilled and the conflict in the home will be stilled too.

A devotee asks: Sir, why am I saying this? I have done everything for my family and children. I left my job for my family and children. Yes, six years ago I left my job. Yes, I left my government job. I was engaged in serving my children. But for a year, for three or four years, there has been so much conflict, so much fighting in the home. They keep beating me. I have left the home. I have left my wife and children in Delhi and come here to Vrindavan from Kerala. I was working in Kerala, I left that job. Now I have nowhere to go but God's refuge, and I don't know where else to go. There was so much beating, my throat was choked. So many times my throat was squeezed. I gave them everything.

Maharaj responds: This is not only your matter. This is the matter of millions of fathers. Millions of people's matter. So the educated ones, they got jobs. They got everything. We have already described all that. You have just heard that, Lord, your suffering is not just yours—it is the suffering of millions. In a way there is great grace upon you. Let us tell you, there is great grace. By getting trapped in these very things—in son, in wife, in family, in home, in wealth—the soul forgets God. I thought this and came here. Yes, now what we are telling you, for your benefit: trapped in son, wife, family, home, wealth—getting trapped in these very things, the soul forgets the Lord.

Great grace has been bestowed upon you. Those from whom you should have departed have rejected you. Now, if you can chant Radha Radha and take shelter of Bhagwan, your life will become successful. [section unclear in captions] People didn't have husbands. You shouldn't weep. There were no shoes, no money—you don't need to weep, you should laugh. Laugh by seeing the spectacle of the world. Look, I considered this person as my son, I dedicated my life for them. That is why when we say—sometimes no one belongs to anyone. Look, there is a father—who knows what all he must have done for his children. And in how many government departments—CISF, police, as an inspector. So consider—you did everything, and this is the result. Now you should not worry. There is one department: Hari Sharanam, Hari Sharanam. He loves very much, he loves very much. Don't be sorrowful—the weeping will cease. If you take shelter of Hari... we feel great grace has been bestowed. Tell truly—from where it was difficult to depart, those people rejected you. But the terrible state of the mind is this: if one were to ask from the heart, "What do you desire?" Then they will say, "Just grant me this blessing—that the children start loving me, the world loves me." This is a hidden matter in the heart—if once more the world does not love me, then there is no need to weep now. Those who weep—now there is no need to weep. You are a king. Look, your worldly duties are complete. Move forward on Bhagwan's path. The fourth state is there. He nourishes all. He is the nourisher. Look, when you take shelter of Bhagwan, one day you will laugh at all these things—"Friend, where was I weeping, where was I stuck?" How much grace Bhagwan has upon us—that He has freed us from what we needed to be freed from.

Radha Radha Radha Radha Radha Radha. Absolutely do not worry.

This text is taken from auto-generated captions of a video—it may contain errors in words. Please listen to the video for the authentic words.

Original video: Bhajan Marg (YouTube)